Did I have to?

Did I have to?
Did I have to see you go?
Did I have to see the show?
Did it never matter when the wind blows?
Seeing is believing they say,
but there has never been a day,
when I wanted you to pray,
that we were never over,
and there existed a four leaf clover.
The heart is nothing but a toy,
meant to be played with for one's own sick joy,
but I never saw it die,
for now there's nothing inside.
And life is never as it seems,
there are choices I regret.
For reasons unbeknownst to me,
I smoke my cigarette.
I smoke for the times I've always been let down,
I smoke for the times my smile was met with a frown,
I drink to satisfy my life's failures,
I drink to try to move on to green pastures.
but I'm as healthy as a horse,
seems my throat never gets hoarse,
to sing as sweetly as the nightingale,
amongst the hardened voices of the pale.
Now all that's left is a sigh,
a soft reminder why I'll never get high,
to right the wrongs of my rotten past,
and stand tall as the ships mast.
Creeping slowly towards the end goal,
of happy thoughts and a bright yellow shoal,
that greets me with an evil smile,
the ghost of what I've left behind.